Some people literally move through life as a sailboat with nobody manning the sails and no rudder to steer. They are blown about by circumstances, tossed about by changing currents, and ever hopeful to reach the shore, without the slightest idea where that may be, if they ever get there.
I am happy to say that my life follows a constant direction, with a strong faith in the one who has supplied me with both the information regarding my current direction, as well as a way of constantly correcting my course. My destination is known to me, and I have been given rich descriptions of it, so that I may recognize when I have arrived.
I don't have all the answers to life's little challenges, but I have found that with my world view, even the hard times have purpose and lessons for me, and I take from them what I can, using a standard that has been laid down by countless travelers before me on the well trodden path I travel.
A brief outpouring of my joy online was met with a disappointing call to reality when a friend related that they have little for which they are feeling grateful, as I then came to discover they were referring to the death of their son-in-law who left behind a wife and six children and no insurance policy. I found out after some probing that it was a suicide, with apparently no note, which left even more of a mystery.
As I pondered what else could be said of any comfort, I was led to write this blog entry, to explore the subject of how do we find gratitude in such tragedy. I hope this is not taken lightly, as it is not created thus.
My first thought of gratitude was that in this case, unlike so many we hear of, the wife and children were not harmed by the suicidal husband/father. While no note can seem to be a bad thing, its absence can relieve the remaining family members from a declaration of fault that could bind them for the remainder of their lives to carry the chain of guilt forged by someone as their last act of weakness in this life.
Gratitude is a choice, just as grief, anger and wonder are choices. I just happen to believe that gratitude makes for a better lense through which we may see the choices that lie ahead, and thus through which we may find solutions to needs of the present moment. One might for instance simply be grateful that in this moment, I have the choice to move forward, and improve my existence. Yes, the choices may be hard, but to approach a solution, we must lift our thinking above the level we were at when the problems were created.
It helps if we have a worldview that tells us where we go when we leave this life. For most of us, it matters not whether it is ultimately the truth, as much as, does it allow us to picture some form of peace for the person at this point. That can certainly help.
For us to move on, it is certainly necessary to find others who love us enough to let us have some space, but also who are willing to help us move forward, and continue living. Absent enough sensible friends, one can let solitude get the best of them. Change is often hard enough as it hits us in daily routine, but this type of change can shift the very fabric of a life.
Having a worldview that teaches that we are here for but a moment of the eternity of our lives, to learn and to grow, and to return to our Heavenly Father gives me the strength to carry on in such a tragedy, I hope. I have not had to deal with death so close, or of such gravity, but each time a loved one deals with such a thing, it tests my worldview, and helps me to reinforce my beliefs as I share them in attempts to comfort those who are hurting.
My heart goes out to yet another family torn apart by the sudden and unexpected death of a loved one, even moreso because of the lives that will to some extent be forever changed by the not-knowing part of his departure. I am still searching for words, for now, these will have to do.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Show Me Thy Friends...
And I will tell thee who thou art. It is an age old adage, but it is so true, whether because we tend to hang around people who help us feel better, and are like us, or because we tend to gravitate our own behavior and thoughts to the level of those around us, so it is a self-feeding cycle.
At a recent meeting about making some necessary changes in our lives, the speaker, Garrett Gunderson, author of Killing Sacred Cows was asked a question about how do we change the way we think about things, to get off the self-defeating cycle we are on sometimes, and his response was so powerful. He asked the man back, "who do you spend most of your time with?" The man's answer was what started the wheels turning on this blog entry.
He said, "sure, I get what you're saying, I should spend time around better people, but how do I do that when the people I live around are all in the same boat?"
Garrett's answer was one that I will expand upon here because I feel it is central to where I am now, and where I am heading in my life. He said roughly, "you will usually have to pay for your mentor, for their time, and for their wisdom."
Not so long ago, I was hanging out in the lunchroom at work joining in the moaning about how life is taking so much from us, and what's not fair and yada yada. I have learned that 1) finding a direction and 2) going for it, is best accomplished by the third best advice, which is 3) find someone who has been there, or is there now, and serve them, so you can be close.
I did not say latch on, because we do not want to become a dead weight in their lives, and not all people who are where we want to be, are interested in taking on apprentices, so offer services, be creative, and be willing to do stuff for no pay, just to learn. Ultimately we should expect to give more in monetary value than we take, though most of the time, the benefit will far outweigh the cost.
Networking groups exist in so many forms, and in so many places that it is really a super place to start looking for like-minded people who are not only moving in the same direction, but in most cases are willing to support others doing the same and in some cases, will trade or barter services, or advice, or any number of methods that can help lend focus and momentum to your direction.
It is also true, if you always do what you've always done, you will always have what you've always had. Change little habits every day, or at least every week, starting with the obvious things that are not helping you get where you want to go, like excessive TV time, and having a complaining or whining attitude when things don't go your way. This process takes time, but it takes a lot less time, when you are learning from someone who has been where you want to be, and is willing to help shorten the learning curve.
At a recent meeting about making some necessary changes in our lives, the speaker, Garrett Gunderson, author of Killing Sacred Cows was asked a question about how do we change the way we think about things, to get off the self-defeating cycle we are on sometimes, and his response was so powerful. He asked the man back, "who do you spend most of your time with?" The man's answer was what started the wheels turning on this blog entry.
He said, "sure, I get what you're saying, I should spend time around better people, but how do I do that when the people I live around are all in the same boat?"
Garrett's answer was one that I will expand upon here because I feel it is central to where I am now, and where I am heading in my life. He said roughly, "you will usually have to pay for your mentor, for their time, and for their wisdom."
Not so long ago, I was hanging out in the lunchroom at work joining in the moaning about how life is taking so much from us, and what's not fair and yada yada. I have learned that 1) finding a direction and 2) going for it, is best accomplished by the third best advice, which is 3) find someone who has been there, or is there now, and serve them, so you can be close.
I did not say latch on, because we do not want to become a dead weight in their lives, and not all people who are where we want to be, are interested in taking on apprentices, so offer services, be creative, and be willing to do stuff for no pay, just to learn. Ultimately we should expect to give more in monetary value than we take, though most of the time, the benefit will far outweigh the cost.
Networking groups exist in so many forms, and in so many places that it is really a super place to start looking for like-minded people who are not only moving in the same direction, but in most cases are willing to support others doing the same and in some cases, will trade or barter services, or advice, or any number of methods that can help lend focus and momentum to your direction.
It is also true, if you always do what you've always done, you will always have what you've always had. Change little habits every day, or at least every week, starting with the obvious things that are not helping you get where you want to go, like excessive TV time, and having a complaining or whining attitude when things don't go your way. This process takes time, but it takes a lot less time, when you are learning from someone who has been where you want to be, and is willing to help shorten the learning curve.
Friday, April 17, 2009
You Know You're Changing When...
Praxis being the synchronization of actions with core beliefs, I have to say, it is working as I work on it. I have evidences each day that I am still changing for the better. Yesterday my evidence was in how I handled a fairly violent outburst with my 18-yr-old son who, as so many do, has gone on his own path, instead of the one we showed him, and is very unhappy with the results but continues down the path because of the short-term benefits.
I was trying to work from home, and his younger brother was schooling at home, and he, having lost his job, had nothing better to do than sit in the middle of the main room, with sit-coms on the TV, loud as could be. After repeated requests to turn it down or even put on the subtitles so we could think, and then asking if that was what he intended to do all day instead of something useful, he jumped up and started messing up the place, telling me that I am a dictator that needs anger management classes. When that did not, as it not too long ago would have, provoke me to a fit of anger, he went further all the while yelling challenges to me, by punching a hole in a cabinet door just feet away from me, while stating at the time, he would repair it, so obviously it was an uncontrollable urge to punch something anyway.
I admit I was shaking with the rush of adrenaline, wanting to act, and all the while asking him to just stop, knowing that most actions at this point could be severely life altering, and was even holding forks and knives I was putting away from the dishwasher, but I turned and left the room without any further words and stood until I was calm again, after which, I re-entered the room. We did not talk the remainder of the hour that he stayed, but he had turned off the TV, and eventually left.
When he returned, a couple of times with a friend, things were calm and we did not revisit the event, nor did he turn on the TV the rest of the day, though it was on the second time and so he sat and watched.
The series of events that transpired, as I reflected on them, showed me that I have indeed come a long way from the days when I would pounce on a son being that wild and destructive, or at least get more pushy with them. I dare say there were some words at the beginning that if better chosen, could have avoided this altogether, and I have learned even more from this than I usually do. This is the kind of event that would not happen at all in calmer climates, and so I need to continue to make my house more and more, a heaven on earth, but I have definitely made great strides to get even to this point, and it shows.
The point of this post is that so often after a heated exchange, we have so many regrets, and this time, I barely had any about the way I responded, and how I treated him during it. I did not hurl insults or yell, except occasionally to be heard over him, but the phrases were statements about my need for a peaceful work environment, as well as for his brother, and about how we do not have an obligation to provide our grown kids a place to crash and do nothing when they should be out working, which is not only true but needed to be said.
Still, there is more that can be done to change the launching point of such an exchange, and I am dedicated to find the better way. I know that challenging always brings defense, and so the point of this exercise is to analyze the statement or request that would have made it entirely my problem that he could help me solve, and hopefully he would be willing to solve it without my repeated pressure to do so more quickly.
To me, this is huge, and yet to some who read this, it might seem obvious where I tripped up. Thanks for any comments good or bad on the matter, I am still learning how to deal with all of life as God would have me do it.
I was trying to work from home, and his younger brother was schooling at home, and he, having lost his job, had nothing better to do than sit in the middle of the main room, with sit-coms on the TV, loud as could be. After repeated requests to turn it down or even put on the subtitles so we could think, and then asking if that was what he intended to do all day instead of something useful, he jumped up and started messing up the place, telling me that I am a dictator that needs anger management classes. When that did not, as it not too long ago would have, provoke me to a fit of anger, he went further all the while yelling challenges to me, by punching a hole in a cabinet door just feet away from me, while stating at the time, he would repair it, so obviously it was an uncontrollable urge to punch something anyway.
I admit I was shaking with the rush of adrenaline, wanting to act, and all the while asking him to just stop, knowing that most actions at this point could be severely life altering, and was even holding forks and knives I was putting away from the dishwasher, but I turned and left the room without any further words and stood until I was calm again, after which, I re-entered the room. We did not talk the remainder of the hour that he stayed, but he had turned off the TV, and eventually left.
When he returned, a couple of times with a friend, things were calm and we did not revisit the event, nor did he turn on the TV the rest of the day, though it was on the second time and so he sat and watched.
The series of events that transpired, as I reflected on them, showed me that I have indeed come a long way from the days when I would pounce on a son being that wild and destructive, or at least get more pushy with them. I dare say there were some words at the beginning that if better chosen, could have avoided this altogether, and I have learned even more from this than I usually do. This is the kind of event that would not happen at all in calmer climates, and so I need to continue to make my house more and more, a heaven on earth, but I have definitely made great strides to get even to this point, and it shows.
The point of this post is that so often after a heated exchange, we have so many regrets, and this time, I barely had any about the way I responded, and how I treated him during it. I did not hurl insults or yell, except occasionally to be heard over him, but the phrases were statements about my need for a peaceful work environment, as well as for his brother, and about how we do not have an obligation to provide our grown kids a place to crash and do nothing when they should be out working, which is not only true but needed to be said.
Still, there is more that can be done to change the launching point of such an exchange, and I am dedicated to find the better way. I know that challenging always brings defense, and so the point of this exercise is to analyze the statement or request that would have made it entirely my problem that he could help me solve, and hopefully he would be willing to solve it without my repeated pressure to do so more quickly.
To me, this is huge, and yet to some who read this, it might seem obvious where I tripped up. Thanks for any comments good or bad on the matter, I am still learning how to deal with all of life as God would have me do it.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Gratitude Can Be Contagious
I had a wonderful experience that proved to me that I have changed and that the change is contagious. The best part of it was how instantaneously my new behaviour manifested a change in those around me.
I was standing in line at, of all places, Goodwill, purchasing some wonderful books, one of which was called Brain Wave Vibration, and just about to be helped after waiting about 5 minutes for the ladies in front of me to buy all the clothes they had found.
A young man came up to me and timidly asked, "Would you mind if I stepped in front of you here, I have one item and I am in a real hurry." Without even thinking anything of it, I began to tell the young man he was welcome to cut in front, when out of nowhere, well actually right behind me, came the shrill voice of a very displeased lady, who said, in a fast and curt manner, "Well I have only one item too, but if you cut in front of him, you cut in front of me too, and I have been waiting patiently here also..."
I turned to the young man, and saw the look of utter disappointment on his face as he realized, it was not just up to me, but up to her also, and he had done her the disservice of not asking both of us, and now clearly he had his answer from her.
I stood for only a moment and the answer came so clearly, that it immediately seemed the only thing to do. Without a word, I walked around behind the lady who had been behind me, and then turned to the young man, and said, "you can now slip in front of me."
She immediately turned to me and apologized if she had offended me, she did not mean to, when I stopped her short and calmly, with a smile said, "you did nothing of the sort, it is just obvious to me that he is in a hurry, and I am in no hurry, so I am relinquishing my spot to you so he has one less person to wait behind."
She turned to him and said, "well you can get in front of me too, I'm sorry, I'm in no hurry either."
He thanked us both, made his purchase and ran off ahead of the ladies who were still gathering their bags for the trip to the parking lot.
The cashier smiled a knowing smile to me, and nothing else was said of the event, and yet I walked away knowing that I had shown some people another way to be, which was not the way most go through their days. Gratitude is a principle which, as it bubbles near the surface of our emotions, becomes easier to give to others without thought of guarding it only for ourselves. The more we give it away, the more it blesses us and others, and the more we have to give next time. It is one of those things that gets bigger, the more we give it away.
I was standing in line at, of all places, Goodwill, purchasing some wonderful books, one of which was called Brain Wave Vibration, and just about to be helped after waiting about 5 minutes for the ladies in front of me to buy all the clothes they had found.
A young man came up to me and timidly asked, "Would you mind if I stepped in front of you here, I have one item and I am in a real hurry." Without even thinking anything of it, I began to tell the young man he was welcome to cut in front, when out of nowhere, well actually right behind me, came the shrill voice of a very displeased lady, who said, in a fast and curt manner, "Well I have only one item too, but if you cut in front of him, you cut in front of me too, and I have been waiting patiently here also..."
I turned to the young man, and saw the look of utter disappointment on his face as he realized, it was not just up to me, but up to her also, and he had done her the disservice of not asking both of us, and now clearly he had his answer from her.
I stood for only a moment and the answer came so clearly, that it immediately seemed the only thing to do. Without a word, I walked around behind the lady who had been behind me, and then turned to the young man, and said, "you can now slip in front of me."
She immediately turned to me and apologized if she had offended me, she did not mean to, when I stopped her short and calmly, with a smile said, "you did nothing of the sort, it is just obvious to me that he is in a hurry, and I am in no hurry, so I am relinquishing my spot to you so he has one less person to wait behind."
She turned to him and said, "well you can get in front of me too, I'm sorry, I'm in no hurry either."
He thanked us both, made his purchase and ran off ahead of the ladies who were still gathering their bags for the trip to the parking lot.
The cashier smiled a knowing smile to me, and nothing else was said of the event, and yet I walked away knowing that I had shown some people another way to be, which was not the way most go through their days. Gratitude is a principle which, as it bubbles near the surface of our emotions, becomes easier to give to others without thought of guarding it only for ourselves. The more we give it away, the more it blesses us and others, and the more we have to give next time. It is one of those things that gets bigger, the more we give it away.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
How Does Integrity Fit In With Praxis?
One of my favorite definitions of Integrity is simply "a quality or state of being complete or undivided." The reason I like this is that so many people live incomplete, divided lives. So many people perform actions each day that, if analyzed in concert with the big picture of what they desire in their lives, could be said to be in direct and blatant contradiction to those desires.
Why then do people do so many contradicting actions? It has to do with the word integrity. Why are our actions not more integrated with our beliefs? Well, for one thing, most people claim publicly one set of beliefs, but if their beliefs as reflected by their actions we laid bare, their beliefs would actually be shown in most cases to be very different.
Many people do in fact act in concert with their beliefs, but their core beliefs are not what they would be said to "truly desire" were they listed out and dealt with individually. Most of our core beliefs are things that were fed to us, or hammered into us over a lifetime, and that we have accepted. We keep many false beliefs in place simply by the entrained method of selftalk passed down to us by previous generations. "I'm no good at that," "Why do I even try," "I can't control my emotions." "Why always me?" and so forth.
I call them false beliefs because they are not beliefs that we at our core really want, they are things we were led to believe because they were real enough to our teachers that they were taught as incontrovertible fact. The truth is much grander, and would please us if we were to know it through introspection, or by associating with others who believe it.
So what about our actions? So many of us are on autopilot without realizing that we are in complete control of the program that runs the autopilot. Once we get in touch with our true core beliefs, there are ways that we can imprint our beliefs into our psyche such that we can begin the process of rooting out those actions that are not correspondent to those beliefs and replace them with actions which, when codified into habit, will allow us, even carry us into the life we thought we could never have, when all the old programs held us down.
Integrity then is very similar to the process of Praxis, it is the integration, into one harmonious whole, of our true core beliefs, and the actions we manifest. Praxis is the process whereby we attain integration of the two.
Why then do people do so many contradicting actions? It has to do with the word integrity. Why are our actions not more integrated with our beliefs? Well, for one thing, most people claim publicly one set of beliefs, but if their beliefs as reflected by their actions we laid bare, their beliefs would actually be shown in most cases to be very different.
Many people do in fact act in concert with their beliefs, but their core beliefs are not what they would be said to "truly desire" were they listed out and dealt with individually. Most of our core beliefs are things that were fed to us, or hammered into us over a lifetime, and that we have accepted. We keep many false beliefs in place simply by the entrained method of selftalk passed down to us by previous generations. "I'm no good at that," "Why do I even try," "I can't control my emotions." "Why always me?" and so forth.
I call them false beliefs because they are not beliefs that we at our core really want, they are things we were led to believe because they were real enough to our teachers that they were taught as incontrovertible fact. The truth is much grander, and would please us if we were to know it through introspection, or by associating with others who believe it.
So what about our actions? So many of us are on autopilot without realizing that we are in complete control of the program that runs the autopilot. Once we get in touch with our true core beliefs, there are ways that we can imprint our beliefs into our psyche such that we can begin the process of rooting out those actions that are not correspondent to those beliefs and replace them with actions which, when codified into habit, will allow us, even carry us into the life we thought we could never have, when all the old programs held us down.
Integrity then is very similar to the process of Praxis, it is the integration, into one harmonious whole, of our true core beliefs, and the actions we manifest. Praxis is the process whereby we attain integration of the two.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The Reason we are encouraged to use pictures to accelerate Change
The process of personal change can be one of constant frustration, as exemplified by the millions of people who set out each year to make some changes in their lives, in the form of resolutions, only to fail within a few months. Why is it so difficult to effect real change in our lives?
To understand why change is so difficult, we must first understand what it is we are up against when we endeavor to change a habit, whether it be a lifelong one, or one that developed only recently in our lives.
Our bodies are equipped with mechanisms that protect itself from outside attempts to shut it down. This applies to the automated systems of breathing and circulation and other simpler systems such as hunger, or even the eyes tearing up, or closing (flinching) when something is coming at them.
We also have many mechanisms that are set up to automatically respond to outside stimuli, often because of our repeated responses to the same stimulus over time. As we start to perform certain repetitive acts, triggered by the same outside stimuli, our bodies set up programmed responses, to those stimuli, regardless of whether the responses are the best for our bodies, they have been deemed favorable in that they either bring pleasure or avoid pain.
The first thing we must do to change any of those programmed responses, is to recognize the relationship that exists within us between certain situations in our lives, and the things they trigger within us. We have all heard of the obvious ones like when people have to eat or light up a cigarette whenever they feel stress. These are not natural responses to these situations, but are learned, and eventually programmed to save us the time of having to think about it.
The thing is that once these responses are programmed, we have to be able to find ways to overcome the protective mechanisms in the body that are required to overcome these processes. It cannot be merely an intellectual pursuit but requires that we find what association this stimulus has to our desire to either gaining pleasure or avoiding pain, and we must develop the necessary imagery to change the association we have on an emotional level.
Often pictures and music can be employed to accomplish this emotional connection in the body. Some stop too early in the picture process by merely placing pictures where they can see them daily, and fail to endeavor to form an emotional connection between the image and the emotional need for a certain behavior. We must by repetitive imagery in our own minds, connect emotion to the picture that represents what we desire, and it must be constant and frequent in its occurrence.
The use of pictures is merely a trick to get the image into the psyche, where we can really use it, as the picture itself holds no power to effect change. It must be connected within us to the gain of pleasure or avoidance of pain, and sometimes we must also perform the opposite trick to first get the old image changed to its opposite effect.
Tony Robbins speaks of this as one of six major steps that must be followed to effect real change and make it last. I will discuss these in a future blog, and will endeavor to insure that I am not just plagiarizing his materials. The process is real, and has taught me a lot, as I have applied them to my life lately.
This is the key that is so often left out of discussions of using images to help us change.
To understand why change is so difficult, we must first understand what it is we are up against when we endeavor to change a habit, whether it be a lifelong one, or one that developed only recently in our lives.
Our bodies are equipped with mechanisms that protect itself from outside attempts to shut it down. This applies to the automated systems of breathing and circulation and other simpler systems such as hunger, or even the eyes tearing up, or closing (flinching) when something is coming at them.
We also have many mechanisms that are set up to automatically respond to outside stimuli, often because of our repeated responses to the same stimulus over time. As we start to perform certain repetitive acts, triggered by the same outside stimuli, our bodies set up programmed responses, to those stimuli, regardless of whether the responses are the best for our bodies, they have been deemed favorable in that they either bring pleasure or avoid pain.
The first thing we must do to change any of those programmed responses, is to recognize the relationship that exists within us between certain situations in our lives, and the things they trigger within us. We have all heard of the obvious ones like when people have to eat or light up a cigarette whenever they feel stress. These are not natural responses to these situations, but are learned, and eventually programmed to save us the time of having to think about it.
The thing is that once these responses are programmed, we have to be able to find ways to overcome the protective mechanisms in the body that are required to overcome these processes. It cannot be merely an intellectual pursuit but requires that we find what association this stimulus has to our desire to either gaining pleasure or avoiding pain, and we must develop the necessary imagery to change the association we have on an emotional level.
Often pictures and music can be employed to accomplish this emotional connection in the body. Some stop too early in the picture process by merely placing pictures where they can see them daily, and fail to endeavor to form an emotional connection between the image and the emotional need for a certain behavior. We must by repetitive imagery in our own minds, connect emotion to the picture that represents what we desire, and it must be constant and frequent in its occurrence.
The use of pictures is merely a trick to get the image into the psyche, where we can really use it, as the picture itself holds no power to effect change. It must be connected within us to the gain of pleasure or avoidance of pain, and sometimes we must also perform the opposite trick to first get the old image changed to its opposite effect.
Tony Robbins speaks of this as one of six major steps that must be followed to effect real change and make it last. I will discuss these in a future blog, and will endeavor to insure that I am not just plagiarizing his materials. The process is real, and has taught me a lot, as I have applied them to my life lately.
This is the key that is so often left out of discussions of using images to help us change.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Learn to Worry in Reverse
There is no better example for how powerful the mind is in forming an image and then sending the powerful mechanisms of the body into full motion to make it a reality than the age old phenomenon of worrying.
We all have done it, though the person who has mastered his/her life does it minimally or to perfect themselves by incorporating the power of the mind in a positive manner, to image what they want, rather than what they fear, or don't want, and then allowing the natural mechanisms of the body loose to make that a reality.
What am I saying? Well, think for yourself, the last time you worried about something. You created a powerful image in your mind, so real, so vivid, so fearsome, that your body started to react as if the thing were real; elevated pulse, heartbeat quickened, sweaty palms, increased rate of breath, all for what, an image in the mind of what MIGHT happen. Our body is programmed to prepare us for a conflict that is approaching, and so as we image that conflict in our minds, our body prepares us by quickening all the systems that are setup for fight or flight. This is the way we are wired, by God.
Why is it we are almost all such experts at creating a vision so real of what we don't want to happen, that our bodies react, in all particulars as if it were real, but we cannot, nay, will not choose to create for ourselves any reality we desire with the skill and devotion with which we have created that which we fear?
To state it more simply, we can and should exercise ourselves positively, with the same dedication which we have up to now, practiced to perfection, the art of worrying. If we could simply decide that we have the power to create our life, to worry ourselves into success, whatever that may be, by creating a real image in our heads, and feeling all the feelings of gratitude as if it were already accomplished, already given to us. What could we then accomplish if we gave ourselves permission to be happy, and successful?
Could we see instead of a failed marriage, a successful one, could we see instead of the worst of intentions of our friend, the best, could we imagine that we are not clumsy, but instead skilled in our chosen profession, and getting better every day. Could we then without limit, choose the future to which we will awake tomorrow and the next day? I am here to say, that is exactly what could happen, if we sold ourselves the best possible outcome, instead of the worst.
God loves us, and in a world where we have not been taught to doubt and to fear, we can see instead, a life filled with promise, and hope, and endless possibility. Our mind was given to us to steer us, not to be steered by the winds of change, or the whims of those around us. Don't listen to the chatter that tells you that you are living an accidental life. You are a child of God, imbued with all the possibility that a father gives to a child, and with a direct link to his inspiring power, there is no dream that is not possible. Reach out for the best possibility, for the best you can see and dream, and there is nothing you cannot accomplish. You decide.
We all have done it, though the person who has mastered his/her life does it minimally or to perfect themselves by incorporating the power of the mind in a positive manner, to image what they want, rather than what they fear, or don't want, and then allowing the natural mechanisms of the body loose to make that a reality.
What am I saying? Well, think for yourself, the last time you worried about something. You created a powerful image in your mind, so real, so vivid, so fearsome, that your body started to react as if the thing were real; elevated pulse, heartbeat quickened, sweaty palms, increased rate of breath, all for what, an image in the mind of what MIGHT happen. Our body is programmed to prepare us for a conflict that is approaching, and so as we image that conflict in our minds, our body prepares us by quickening all the systems that are setup for fight or flight. This is the way we are wired, by God.
Why is it we are almost all such experts at creating a vision so real of what we don't want to happen, that our bodies react, in all particulars as if it were real, but we cannot, nay, will not choose to create for ourselves any reality we desire with the skill and devotion with which we have created that which we fear?
To state it more simply, we can and should exercise ourselves positively, with the same dedication which we have up to now, practiced to perfection, the art of worrying. If we could simply decide that we have the power to create our life, to worry ourselves into success, whatever that may be, by creating a real image in our heads, and feeling all the feelings of gratitude as if it were already accomplished, already given to us. What could we then accomplish if we gave ourselves permission to be happy, and successful?
Could we see instead of a failed marriage, a successful one, could we see instead of the worst of intentions of our friend, the best, could we imagine that we are not clumsy, but instead skilled in our chosen profession, and getting better every day. Could we then without limit, choose the future to which we will awake tomorrow and the next day? I am here to say, that is exactly what could happen, if we sold ourselves the best possible outcome, instead of the worst.
God loves us, and in a world where we have not been taught to doubt and to fear, we can see instead, a life filled with promise, and hope, and endless possibility. Our mind was given to us to steer us, not to be steered by the winds of change, or the whims of those around us. Don't listen to the chatter that tells you that you are living an accidental life. You are a child of God, imbued with all the possibility that a father gives to a child, and with a direct link to his inspiring power, there is no dream that is not possible. Reach out for the best possibility, for the best you can see and dream, and there is nothing you cannot accomplish. You decide.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My Marriage Is Still Blossoming at almost 20 Years
Today, as I am often wont to do lately, I found myself analyzing my actions, and feeling an overwhelming rush of gratitude for what has taken place in my heart, and thus, in my life.
Early in my marriage, I used to get frustrated because my wife never seemed to have time for me, she was so busy with the day to day things that were important to her and by the end of the night, so often she seemed too tired to even acknowledge my existence, much less that I had needs.
One day she said, you know, if you want more time with me, you could help me get my list done. Now, it did not occur to me all at once, the simplicity of what she was suggesting, and for many years, my sole object in doing any chores, washing laundry, doing dishes, cooking dinner, was so she would have more time with me. I know, duh, still being selfish, even while serving.
The change was so gradual that I hardly noticed it, but I went from just doing those things for more time with her, to the next level, which was because she always had the same response, and it was always more or less, a swooning of appreciation, like I had handed her a dozen roses or something. So nice, all that for way less than the cost of a dozen roses, which I have also done randomly along the way, never just when society says I should but so often for no apparent reason, that she truly did get the message, "I am in love with you."
Backtrack to the beginning for a moment, Holly and I met on a chilly Friday night in October of 1989, at a Single-Parent support group sponsored by our church. She had two kids, 6 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son, and I had two sons, 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Well, we met after waiting for each other to finish some side conversations, and my 2 kids were running around the flower planters while we talked. We talked into the night while my kids slept in the car, and finally went to Pioneer Park in Mesa, for a couple more hours. We had a short, but full-of-romance courtship over the next few days, I proposed to her on Sunday, and we married at the Mesa JOP on Thursday. We then married a year later in the Temple there in Mesa. Long Story, some other blog.
We started out busy, and Holly went from single mom with two kids and a foolproof system, to instant family of six. Our first of three more children came almost to the day 9 months later. We have about completely raised 7 kids, 3 are still at home with occasional short stays by two others, and though it has been no walk in the park, we've had lots of those too.
What has kept us together is nothing profound, but it is worth mentioning here. We have Loved each other through many years, weekly dedicated time to nurture our marriage. We have had a dedicated church life, hardly ever have we missed a Sunday at church, and we live our religion all week long, with Family Home Evening on Sunday or Monday night schedules permitting, and we have on countless early mornings or late nights, sat around reading from the scriptures as a family, or as many as could be there.
Well, anyway, all that to say this; I am lately working from home, and find myself doing a lot of loads of dishes and cooking and even laundry as I see it piling up, and I realized today that while I still get quite a charge from her googoo eyes and warm hug when she sees I have done all this stuff while she was gone, I realized, I do it now, mostly because I see it needs to be done. It is so weird, because I don't know where along the way it happened, but I tell people lately, our marriage works so well because I have been domesticated, and believe me, it does work well, no complaints ;)
The other day she almost teared up and said I am her hero, and I have to say, I felt it, and it felt great to be told that after almost 20 years of marriage. Marriages do not get here on accident, but there are still so many people who think that love is a noun that you can fall into or catch or worse, lose or fall out of. It is definitely a verb that must be nurtured and kept safe. Love is one of those few treasures that only grows when it is given away with no thought of return.
Early in my marriage, I used to get frustrated because my wife never seemed to have time for me, she was so busy with the day to day things that were important to her and by the end of the night, so often she seemed too tired to even acknowledge my existence, much less that I had needs.
One day she said, you know, if you want more time with me, you could help me get my list done. Now, it did not occur to me all at once, the simplicity of what she was suggesting, and for many years, my sole object in doing any chores, washing laundry, doing dishes, cooking dinner, was so she would have more time with me. I know, duh, still being selfish, even while serving.
The change was so gradual that I hardly noticed it, but I went from just doing those things for more time with her, to the next level, which was because she always had the same response, and it was always more or less, a swooning of appreciation, like I had handed her a dozen roses or something. So nice, all that for way less than the cost of a dozen roses, which I have also done randomly along the way, never just when society says I should but so often for no apparent reason, that she truly did get the message, "I am in love with you."
Backtrack to the beginning for a moment, Holly and I met on a chilly Friday night in October of 1989, at a Single-Parent support group sponsored by our church. She had two kids, 6 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son, and I had two sons, 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Well, we met after waiting for each other to finish some side conversations, and my 2 kids were running around the flower planters while we talked. We talked into the night while my kids slept in the car, and finally went to Pioneer Park in Mesa, for a couple more hours. We had a short, but full-of-romance courtship over the next few days, I proposed to her on Sunday, and we married at the Mesa JOP on Thursday. We then married a year later in the Temple there in Mesa. Long Story, some other blog.
We started out busy, and Holly went from single mom with two kids and a foolproof system, to instant family of six. Our first of three more children came almost to the day 9 months later. We have about completely raised 7 kids, 3 are still at home with occasional short stays by two others, and though it has been no walk in the park, we've had lots of those too.
What has kept us together is nothing profound, but it is worth mentioning here. We have Loved each other through many years, weekly dedicated time to nurture our marriage. We have had a dedicated church life, hardly ever have we missed a Sunday at church, and we live our religion all week long, with Family Home Evening on Sunday or Monday night schedules permitting, and we have on countless early mornings or late nights, sat around reading from the scriptures as a family, or as many as could be there.
Well, anyway, all that to say this; I am lately working from home, and find myself doing a lot of loads of dishes and cooking and even laundry as I see it piling up, and I realized today that while I still get quite a charge from her googoo eyes and warm hug when she sees I have done all this stuff while she was gone, I realized, I do it now, mostly because I see it needs to be done. It is so weird, because I don't know where along the way it happened, but I tell people lately, our marriage works so well because I have been domesticated, and believe me, it does work well, no complaints ;)
The other day she almost teared up and said I am her hero, and I have to say, I felt it, and it felt great to be told that after almost 20 years of marriage. Marriages do not get here on accident, but there are still so many people who think that love is a noun that you can fall into or catch or worse, lose or fall out of. It is definitely a verb that must be nurtured and kept safe. Love is one of those few treasures that only grows when it is given away with no thought of return.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Power of Music in Changing Your Life
I have recently been reminded about the power of music in the process of bringing about change in our lives. I have always been told that to produce a desired change in my life, I would have to have the picture of what I want go from my head to my heart. I never quite knew what they meant except that I understood that for real change or progress, or acquisition of any goal, there has to be some emotion behind it.
Well, change has been slow for me over the years, until fairly recently when I discovered one of several mechanisms that can be employed to facilitate the change I sought. I had learned that if I wanted something I did not have, I should get a picture of it and keep it in front of me, which I have done over the years to little avail. Then I ran across a concept called Mind Movies recently created formally by an Australian company, that put together a kit and sold it for a modest sum that allows a person to do what I discovered a free program called MovieMaker does.
It allows you to combine images, words and music tracks into a video that can be played on your computer, and it became so much clearer to me what had been missing. Music is a powerful way to get images burned into the psyche, into our soul, as can easily be attested by some very repeatable phenomena.
To this day, whenever I hear "Wish upon a Star" by Rose Royce, I am taken back to a very special moment when I had just graduated from High School and was at my Disneyland Grad Night, looking out over Pirate Island as Rose Royce played live, yes, this like 1979, so yeah, live, but the point is that moment was burned into my heart, not just my memory, and all the feelings of newfound freedom come rushing back as I listen to that song.
Another example, my wife and I have a song, "When I Looked at Him" by Expose, that she heard in her car right after she and I had just met and spent hours in a chilly parking lot talking to each other and finally holding each other as the chill set in, after meeting at a Single Parent Support group sponsored by our church. The song burned in for her and after she revealed to me later that night, in my heart also, the power and warmth of the moments we had just spent bonding in that parking lot. To this day, hearing that song, brings back a rush of the feeling of the newness of that night.
So, I decided to pick a song by Kenny Loggins "The Unimaginable Life" that inspires me greatly and I created my mind movie of some things that I want to happen in my life over the next few years. I am finding it is also best to do this for the short run, as it allows not only for us to change our daily focus to higher thoughts of what we want to accomplish, it ties those images, and words, to the emotional bonding strength of music. Music has a way of slipping words and images right past all of our normal defenses, straight into the soul, which is what must happen for us to have those images mean anything thing more than just something that would be nice to have. We need to picture them and feel gratitude for them as if they are an accomplished fact, and our internal mechanisms move to make them real, by inspiring us, and helping us to see things around us that will help us.
Music is a powerful mechanism, because it speaks not only to our ears, but to our hearts, and so can be used to convey images and thoughts to the heart in a way that words alone cannot do. Try it and you will see the truth of it.
Well, change has been slow for me over the years, until fairly recently when I discovered one of several mechanisms that can be employed to facilitate the change I sought. I had learned that if I wanted something I did not have, I should get a picture of it and keep it in front of me, which I have done over the years to little avail. Then I ran across a concept called Mind Movies recently created formally by an Australian company, that put together a kit and sold it for a modest sum that allows a person to do what I discovered a free program called MovieMaker does.
It allows you to combine images, words and music tracks into a video that can be played on your computer, and it became so much clearer to me what had been missing. Music is a powerful way to get images burned into the psyche, into our soul, as can easily be attested by some very repeatable phenomena.
To this day, whenever I hear "Wish upon a Star" by Rose Royce, I am taken back to a very special moment when I had just graduated from High School and was at my Disneyland Grad Night, looking out over Pirate Island as Rose Royce played live, yes, this like 1979, so yeah, live, but the point is that moment was burned into my heart, not just my memory, and all the feelings of newfound freedom come rushing back as I listen to that song.
Another example, my wife and I have a song, "When I Looked at Him" by Expose, that she heard in her car right after she and I had just met and spent hours in a chilly parking lot talking to each other and finally holding each other as the chill set in, after meeting at a Single Parent Support group sponsored by our church. The song burned in for her and after she revealed to me later that night, in my heart also, the power and warmth of the moments we had just spent bonding in that parking lot. To this day, hearing that song, brings back a rush of the feeling of the newness of that night.
So, I decided to pick a song by Kenny Loggins "The Unimaginable Life" that inspires me greatly and I created my mind movie of some things that I want to happen in my life over the next few years. I am finding it is also best to do this for the short run, as it allows not only for us to change our daily focus to higher thoughts of what we want to accomplish, it ties those images, and words, to the emotional bonding strength of music. Music has a way of slipping words and images right past all of our normal defenses, straight into the soul, which is what must happen for us to have those images mean anything thing more than just something that would be nice to have. We need to picture them and feel gratitude for them as if they are an accomplished fact, and our internal mechanisms move to make them real, by inspiring us, and helping us to see things around us that will help us.
Music is a powerful mechanism, because it speaks not only to our ears, but to our hearts, and so can be used to convey images and thoughts to the heart in a way that words alone cannot do. Try it and you will see the truth of it.
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