You Know You're Changing When...

Praxis being the synchronization of actions with core beliefs, I have to say, it is working as I work on it. I have evidences each day that I am still changing for the better. Yesterday my evidence was in how I handled a fairly violent outburst with my 18-yr-old son who, as so many do, has gone on his own path, instead of the one we showed him, and is very unhappy with the results but continues down the path because of the short-term benefits.

I was trying to work from home, and his younger brother was schooling at home, and he, having lost his job, had nothing better to do than sit in the middle of the main room, with sit-coms on the TV, loud as could be. After repeated requests to turn it down or even put on the subtitles so we could think, and then asking if that was what he intended to do all day instead of something useful, he jumped up and started messing up the place, telling me that I am a dictator that needs anger management classes. When that did not, as it not too long ago would have, provoke me to a fit of anger, he went further all the while yelling challenges to me, by punching a hole in a cabinet door just feet away from me, while stating at the time, he would repair it, so obviously it was an uncontrollable urge to punch something anyway.

I admit I was shaking with the rush of adrenaline, wanting to act, and all the while asking him to just stop, knowing that most actions at this point could be severely life altering, and was even holding forks and knives I was putting away from the dishwasher, but I turned and left the room without any further words and stood until I was calm again, after which, I re-entered the room. We did not talk the remainder of the hour that he stayed, but he had turned off the TV, and eventually left.

When he returned, a couple of times with a friend, things were calm and we did not revisit the event, nor did he turn on the TV the rest of the day, though it was on the second time and so he sat and watched.

The series of events that transpired, as I reflected on them, showed me that I have indeed come a long way from the days when I would pounce on a son being that wild and destructive, or at least get more pushy with them. I dare say there were some words at the beginning that if better chosen, could have avoided this altogether, and I have learned even more from this than I usually do. This is the kind of event that would not happen at all in calmer climates, and so I need to continue to make my house more and more, a heaven on earth, but I have definitely made great strides to get even to this point, and it shows.

The point of this post is that so often after a heated exchange, we have so many regrets, and this time, I barely had any about the way I responded, and how I treated him during it. I did not hurl insults or yell, except occasionally to be heard over him, but the phrases were statements about my need for a peaceful work environment, as well as for his brother, and about how we do not have an obligation to provide our grown kids a place to crash and do nothing when they should be out working, which is not only true but needed to be said.

Still, there is more that can be done to change the launching point of such an exchange, and I am dedicated to find the better way. I know that challenging always brings defense, and so the point of this exercise is to analyze the statement or request that would have made it entirely my problem that he could help me solve, and hopefully he would be willing to solve it without my repeated pressure to do so more quickly.

To me, this is huge, and yet to some who read this, it might seem obvious where I tripped up. Thanks for any comments good or bad on the matter, I am still learning how to deal with all of life as God would have me do it.

Gratitude Can Be Contagious

I had a wonderful experience that proved to me that I have changed and that the change is contagious. The best part of it was how instantaneously my new behaviour manifested a change in those around me.

I was standing in line at, of all places, Goodwill, purchasing some wonderful books, one of which was called Brain Wave Vibration, and just about to be helped after waiting about 5 minutes for the ladies in front of me to buy all the clothes they had found.

A young man came up to me and timidly asked, "Would you mind if I stepped in front of you here, I have one item and I am in a real hurry." Without even thinking anything of it, I began to tell the young man he was welcome to cut in front, when out of nowhere, well actually right behind me, came the shrill voice of a very displeased lady, who said, in a fast and curt manner, "Well I have only one item too, but if you cut in front of him, you cut in front of me too, and I have been waiting patiently here also..."

I turned to the young man, and saw the look of utter disappointment on his face as he realized, it was not just up to me, but up to her also, and he had done her the disservice of not asking both of us, and now clearly he had his answer from her.

I stood for only a moment and the answer came so clearly, that it immediately seemed the only thing to do. Without a word, I walked around behind the lady who had been behind me, and then turned to the young man, and said, "you can now slip in front of me."

She immediately turned to me and apologized if she had offended me, she did not mean to, when I stopped her short and calmly, with a smile said, "you did nothing of the sort, it is just obvious to me that he is in a hurry, and I am in no hurry, so I am relinquishing my spot to you so he has one less person to wait behind."

She turned to him and said, "well you can get in front of me too, I'm sorry, I'm in no hurry either."

He thanked us both, made his purchase and ran off ahead of the ladies who were still gathering their bags for the trip to the parking lot.

The cashier smiled a knowing smile to me, and nothing else was said of the event, and yet I walked away knowing that I had shown some people another way to be, which was not the way most go through their days. Gratitude is a principle which, as it bubbles near the surface of our emotions, becomes easier to give to others without thought of guarding it only for ourselves. The more we give it away, the more it blesses us and others, and the more we have to give next time. It is one of those things that gets bigger, the more we give it away.